Tag Archives: fear

the pathetic old self of mine

i dun usually write these days, but something is bothering me. it seems so big, so serious, that it could own me anytime. i think im just scared, perhaps with myself. i dun usually trust pple around me, but when i do, i trusted whole-heartedly. i dun usually say out everything, perhaps becos i dun usually think b4 i speak, so i dun wan others to mis understand what i meant. but all these self beliefs are ruining me slowly. as though its a whole big trap that i made myself get into. i began to doubt even my own feelings. i began to fear things, fear changes or even fear myself. and i dunno how to get out.

i recently changed my job, and everything is a whole new fresh start for me. that is when i needed support the most. i sacrificed money for work-life balance. i sacrificed my career progression for more time with my loved ones. and im still scared that the new job might not even be what i wanted. but then there was no turning back. i had to get on, anyhow. things were tough at first but manageable. things were more smooth sailing now, but i still fear something called stagnancy. i fear myself being stagnant in what i do. and i duno what i can do, except to sit through it for now.

relationship has not been the best state so far, and i duno what i can do. its seems as though my fear of losing her is so much that i suppressed this inner fear believing that this will never happen. and i was wrong. i duno what is the best way of salvaging a relationship, becos i never salvaged one b4. what i tot was the best way turned out to be the worst. who can i blame but myself? what i believed that i was putting in my best effort was actually not my best at all. i know i could have done better in the past year, but i duno how to. perhaps i was just dumb. i duno how to please a girl, that’s for sure. all i can give was time, but time alone is not enough, based on the fact that time is short now. from the moment we were together, i believed it can be forever. i think i was simply naive.

all these events within these few months were the worst hit ever since my graduation. and i dun have time to recover at all. i tot i was able to handle stress and emotions well after 3 years of work, but i was wrong. i still cant handle my own feelings. if i am not even feeling secure with myself, i duno how i can give assurance to others. simply a failure who cant stop failing. and typing all these seems like resetting myself to the emotional, pessimistic, pathetic old self of mine which i cant even imagine myself being in such a pathetic and useless state. i really dunno what i can do, besides to have faith in her.

no destructive lies, no ridiculous fears, no debilitating anger…

recently, i had this conversation with someone, which is more like a complain session of each other’s work experiences, which ranges from bad encounters with superiors, clients and colleagues. amazingly, i began to understand how people release their frustration by simply venting out on other people by scoldings, sarcasms and sometimes violence, haha. all in the name of stress. i guess that’s really common, perhaps they think that by doing that, they can get things done, their way. however, usually the reverse happens. frustration sets in, anxiety comes, efficiency increases (maybe at the expense of quality), fear grows and respect lost.

but then again, we discussed some pretty good experiences about amiable colleagues, clients and bosses, and usually, work relationships with these people grows well, and things get done pretty well. these few points alone led us to one conclusion, which is that people usually only functions at near their best level when their work is appreciated and when respect is given. who would like to work for one who screams at you, or someone who tells you that you suck?

“Respect your fellow human being, treat them fairly, disagree with them honestly, enjoy their friendship, explore your thoughts about one another candidly, work together for a common goal and help one another achieve it. No destructive lies. No ridiculous fears. No debilitating anger.” Bill Bradley

i guess this quote suits the conclusion of our short discussion best.