Category Archives: life stories (again)

the pathetic old self of mine

i dun usually write these days, but something is bothering me. it seems so big, so serious, that it could own me anytime. i think im just scared, perhaps with myself. i dun usually trust pple around me, but when i do, i trusted whole-heartedly. i dun usually say out everything, perhaps becos i dun usually think b4 i speak, so i dun wan others to mis understand what i meant. but all these self beliefs are ruining me slowly. as though its a whole big trap that i made myself get into. i began to doubt even my own feelings. i began to fear things, fear changes or even fear myself. and i dunno how to get out.

i recently changed my job, and everything is a whole new fresh start for me. that is when i needed support the most. i sacrificed money for work-life balance. i sacrificed my career progression for more time with my loved ones. and im still scared that the new job might not even be what i wanted. but then there was no turning back. i had to get on, anyhow. things were tough at first but manageable. things were more smooth sailing now, but i still fear something called stagnancy. i fear myself being stagnant in what i do. and i duno what i can do, except to sit through it for now.

relationship has not been the best state so far, and i duno what i can do. its seems as though my fear of losing her is so much that i suppressed this inner fear believing that this will never happen. and i was wrong. i duno what is the best way of salvaging a relationship, becos i never salvaged one b4. what i tot was the best way turned out to be the worst. who can i blame but myself? what i believed that i was putting in my best effort was actually not my best at all. i know i could have done better in the past year, but i duno how to. perhaps i was just dumb. i duno how to please a girl, that’s for sure. all i can give was time, but time alone is not enough, based on the fact that time is short now. from the moment we were together, i believed it can be forever. i think i was simply naive.

all these events within these few months were the worst hit ever since my graduation. and i dun have time to recover at all. i tot i was able to handle stress and emotions well after 3 years of work, but i was wrong. i still cant handle my own feelings. if i am not even feeling secure with myself, i duno how i can give assurance to others. simply a failure who cant stop failing. and typing all these seems like resetting myself to the emotional, pessimistic, pathetic old self of mine which i cant even imagine myself being in such a pathetic and useless state. i really dunno what i can do, besides to have faith in her.

mini updates 2009~~

lol, think i shldnt be just posting mini updates, especially when i stopped blogging for like… 8 months?! well here they are.

a peak went past, which was tiring and tough, as usual, but im getting the hang of it.

promotion didn’t come, kinda expected cos my boss gave me the insider news some 2 months before the announcement, so not too bad a blow i suppose.

many colleagues left the firm, mostly due to the bad news above. not a bad thing though, at least makes them realise what they want in life is not to slog for ungrateful employers.

sei jeong flew back to australia, and there were tears everywhere. wish her all the best.

jiuzhaigou trip in jun’09 was great, especially after peak, and it’s totally an amazing world over there.

family relationships got better, especially after the hk trip in may’09, and definitely will improve more.

friendship among closer friends got a little disrupted though. sigh. drama of life, maybe?

too many things flew past in just a short time span of 8 months, and i do not even have the time to reflect on my actions vs outcomes of those events, not to mention time for any possible regrets. however, one thing which i wont regret was to make her a closer part in my life.

what’s left of 2008?

2008: the year of euro2008, and im glad that another of the teams which i support won again (the previous time was italy winning the world cup in 2006)!! LOL, but i guess this wasnt even important in what i should be remembering from 2008…

i was browsing through my old entries, and i notice that most of the entries i wrote varies in mood, though most are in angry mode. but i guess its just a way of venting frustrations (if you do notice my blog title). i think i did write this before, people have different ways of doing so, and this is my own style, and i dun nag my frustrations to my friends. another thing i realised is that i think im learning how to control my emotions better now. i dun lose focus in my job anymore whenever i feel down. but then again, somehow i feel im losing all my emotions. its just something like numbness. when u slap urself everyday, sometimes u just dun feel the pain anymore when u keep doing so. (this applies to my alarm clock too! when the alarm rings everyday at 7am, slowly u just wont think that its noisy anymore. LOL). i guess i cant open my heart easily now…

2008 was the year of growth and improvement for me. the job gave me opportunities to learn and to prove my worth through crazy late nights working during the last peak period; and there it came, experience and knowledge. i guess the sole purpose for us to work in this line is for knowledge and not for the money, and i guess the economic gloom in 2008 made it worst. we saw again the practical nature of people in this world, where people are sacrifice for the sake of clashes of interests. owners of the company places pressure on the management to control expenses, and why do they want to do that? money. and i guess i should stop complaining about something which none of us in the whole wide world can change, and this topic is a forever on-going problem for ALL of us (just admit it, take away money in your life, what are you left with? dun tell me its your soul!)

inter-personal relationships in 2008 revolve mainly in my office, and i guess i should expand my social circle. i guess things get pretty ugly whenever conflicts occur within the office and these are those times which i feel the office is still not big enough to contain people whom i dun wish to see. be less close with ur colleagues = be less sad when u leave (but i guess it cant apply to me now, cos im just too frenly in office… wahahahhaa)

sometimes, i guess people think im abit too stucked up (i dunno who thinks so, but its just a general feel), maybe due to some negative image which i portrayed in office (i just cant smile all the time la, dey. u think i actor issit!). sorry lor, my fault.. haha. well, i cant be suddenly start smiling at everyone in office rite? and i cant be start talking to everyone all day long leh. i got things to do de lor. im not as free as you think. LOL.

one of my colleagues asked me this suddenly in office, “yd, you are a nice guy. but why aren’t you attached?” LOL, how you want me to answer this? “cos girls think that im not nice?”, “girls think that im just a nice guy, with nothing else?” or “girls dun like nice guys at all?”. sorry to say, i dont fish in office. if you think im doing so, you are so totally wrong…

goodbye to 2008 and if i offended anyone in the last year, too bad then. i dun need to prove what i am to you. LOL…

——————————————————————————————-

and yeah, so this is it! my list of resolutions for the year (not in any order of importance, and im lazy to arrange in alphabetical order):

  • spend more time with family
  • survive in current job (specifically, the peak period)
  • find a better job (after surviving, haha)
  • save $300 more per month (very unlikely though, haha)
  • spend less (so as to fulfill the previous reso)
  • be more positive in all areas
  • start training for ippt (LOL)
  • pick up a new sport (LOL x 2)
  • lose a bit of my fats (LOL x 3)
  • fulfill at least 50% of all the resolutions for 2009 (crap!)

let’s see how many of these can i achieve by 2009. haha

new year resolutions?

someone asked me what are my new year resolutions for 2009.

cant think of any right now. i guess im naturally resistant to changes in my life. somewhat, i think i didnt fulfil 90% of all the resolutions that i’ve set over the past 20years. so whats the point now? perhaps to wish for world peace? or world domination? haha

last christmas i gave you my heart

but the very next day you gave it away…

this christmas, what did i do? well, nothing much i supposed. besides having some frens at my house for pasta-making during the saturday and dinner out with ntu frens on sunday, i think i only did one more other thing, that is OT. (crap)

wahahaha, its been long since i made pasta le, and i think my cooking skills is proportional to the number of practices i had (no improvement that is) lol… but then again, not too bad la… wahahhaha

see some photo:

got pasta from apple, got pasta by us, got campbell soup with lots of potatoes in it, and got messed up supposed-to-be-omelette-but-became-srambled-eggs (wahahhaaa) and ya, my 100 plus.. lol

and ya, they played with my mbp’s iSight:

comic book style

pop art

film

and i think they enjoyed themselves… lol my fren (above photo, bottom left) even tried to imitate “scream”!

well, thats all for now. short update only, cos its 4am now… merry xmas

a magnificent story~~

if you ever wanted your life to be a magnificent story, then begin by realising tat you are the author and make everyday an opportunity to write a new page.

i guess most of us do not want to stay ordinary and i believe we have this hidden desire to shine and to perform in any way possible. i mean wanting to stay ordinary and lead peaceful lives might be a really good thing afterall, but i guess this was not meant for me, even though i have lived really ordinarily for the past 2 decades. sometimes i do fnd myself stucked in a boring life, where everyday seems to be jus work, eat and sleep, and sometimes i think whether this was what i wanted to do? i guess this is the result of not having goals in life, or perhaps to say, no motivation? i do hear from some frenz that they have been planning actively in their lives; be it marriage, career, or even plan when to buy cars, etc. i guess for me, i didnt really think at all… i dont know when i want to marry. i dont know when to buy a car. i dont even know when i want to quit my current job! haha… i guess i need a change in my life, hopefully for the better best!

i dun read story books, but i do hope my story will be a magnificent one. and so its time to start writing! how about you?

what a foolish guy~~

i guess this has got to be one of my favourite songs…

some pple might have crave for riches and others might have crave for successes. all at the expenses of others.

but all i desire is to work towards my dream, even if other people find my ways foolish. riches are all but materialism, and are not permanent. fulfilling ur dreams are what matters in ur life (unless ur only dream is to get rich, i have nth better to say.. wahahahaha)

—————————————————————–

歌曲 憨人 歌手 五月天 专辑 爱情万岁

作曲:阿信 作词:阿信

我的心内感觉
人生的沉重
不敢来振动
我不是好子
嘛不是歹人
我只是爱眠梦
我不愿随浪随风
飘浪西东
亲像船无港
我不愿做人
奸巧钻缝
甘愿来作憨人
我不是头脑空空
我不是一只米虫
人啊人
一世人
要安怎欢喜
过春夏秋冬
我有我的路
有我的梦
梦中的那个世界
甘讲伊是一场空
我走过的路
只有希望
希望你我讲过的话
放在心肝内
总有一天
看到满天全金条
要煞无半项
环境来戏弄
背景无够强
天才无够弄
逐项是拢输人
只好看破这虚华
不怕路歹行
不怕大雨淋
心上一字敢
面对我的梦
甘愿来作憨人
我不是头脑空空
我不是一只米虫
人啊人
一世人
要安怎欢喜
过春夏秋冬
我有我的路
有我的梦
梦中的那个世界
甘讲伊是一场空
我走过的路
只有希望
希望你我讲过的话
放在心肝内
我有我的路
有我的梦
梦中的那个世界
甘讲伊是一场空
我走过的路
只有希望
希望你我讲过的话
放在心肝内

busy as an ant~~

hmm time for a little update here… wahahaha its starting to be a little busy now for me, cos of the popular december year end period for many many of our clients here. sianz. im literally job-hopping from one client to another. LOL! but then again i guess its much safer now to be involved in jobs, be it tough or slack, cos of the target utilisation ratio that all staff need to fulfill and it affects our year-end appraisal also lor.. hahaa

i think i should consider myself to be real lucky cos my jobs during the peak for the year is slightly less tough and demanding than some others which have real tough clients and crazy deadlines. really need good luck for my colleagues who are in them.

We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life. We’ve added years to life not life to years.

Surprisingly, as the total population of the world increases, the distance between people increases too.

Compared to people 20 years ago, we’ve significantly gained more things literally, but somehow I began to think whether the evolution of the human technology and scientific breakthroughs are really good for us? Our world has evolved so much, but have we really grown for the better?

Modern day technologies are indeed running our definition of our world, but are they to take over our meaning in life? Is making money really the modern definition of life? Yes it’s true that we eat to live, and we make money just to eat. That is simply called surviving. But is this our main aim in life? I guess we might get to choose what do we want to achieve during our days here, but maybe we should take a step back and wonder whether all these are deservingly taking up our time.

However and perhaps, i guess it’s not possible to change our way of life now, not completely I guess (cos Singapore’s inflation is 6% this year!! ouch!!)

—————————————————-

A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life. We’ve added years to life not life to years. We’ve been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We’ve done larger things, but not better things.

We’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We’ve conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We’ve learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete…

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn’t cost a cent.

Remember, to say, ‘I love you’ to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

— George Carlin

no updates~~

ya no updates, or maybe i’m lazy to update…i even forgot when is the last time i blogged!! zzz

anyway, been slacking alot in office recently, due to some non-urgent bookings i had in the last month and really nothing much to do or follow up. i guess i sometimes did miss those times when i was really busy and had to OT till midnight everyday. haha i think having things to do in office is still better than slacking and do self-study online. zzz

bah, lazy and no mood to type le… end

quarter of a century~~

and ya… today marks the 25th year which i was born and wow, i feel that im getting old rite now. (and for all those who keep harping on that your age is still smaller than mine, let me tell this, u are just 2-3 years slower than me, and ive already passed this stage of suaning pple older than me and yea… i got my suaning back.. hahaha!) i guess it really doesnt feel good to see ur age getting larger and larger year after year, haha. but something which i realised as i keep seeing all those kids out there growing to their teen/young adult ages and thinking and behaving that they own the world, i just cant help but to laugh. haha and i think all of us who see those kids acting adult and acting that they been thru all kinds of shit really makes us laugh. (pardon me, cos that is from what i observe from my dota games just now.. wahhahaaha) dun care la!

i guess i feel myself changing A LOT (yes, damn alot) over the past year, from lifestyle to behaviour and even to perceptions of things/events. maybe i should thank my sucky results that brought me to thinking that results do, and certainly affects your potential employers’ opinion in choosing you for their company. that is after i saw myself getting rejected, humiliated and discarded after interviews which got me to thinking that my life won’t be the same as my school days, which we always get a second chance, and we always get a chance to start all over again. i just realised that we often, dun even get A SINGLE CHANCE in the first place. well, thats is just the way of life. and me by saying that doesn’t mean i do agree with this statement, but it is just that sometimes, by simply fighting for your chance will get yourselves repelled, trampled, and in the end, discarded. ‘gg’, as quoted by some of my gaming frens (or simply acquaintances). AND SORRY TO SAY, YOU DON’T OWN THE WORLD, THE WORLD OWNS YOU AND THAT IS WHY YOU ARE HERE, DUMBASS! SO QUITE FEELING THAT THE WORLD OWES YOU SOMETHING, BECAUSE YOU ARE THE ONE WHO OWES THE WORLD EVERYTHING!

i do feel myself doing more things than just slacking/wasting my time away compared to the past. maybe thats just becos i did more OT and i have much less time to myself. but one thing that never changed, is that i still keep in contact with my hall friends (yes, friends) regularly. perhaps i did say before that i do want to engage myself in different cliques in different stages of my life, but i guess that doesnt apply after u graduate or at the time u start work, cos i guess new pple in your circle of friends may not last long or even at all. few would be as trustworthy. reliable and honest as whom you have trusted, relied and confessed with over the years. i dunno about other pple, but i think for myself, i do want to meet up with pple i want to meet up regularly and i do try to make an effort to… (haha maybe what i did was to combine different groups and all meet at the same time!) but ya, i did rite? haha… but then again, i do not have the luxury to meet up every single day with anyone, except maybe colleagues. haha cos i see them more than i see my frens. lol, and sometimes i do feel that its a waste of time to build a new friendship from scratch (ya sometimes, although i do feel that its wrong to think that way, but i really felt so at times…)

spending was never what i anticipated myself to be doing from before i started work. and yea, the tendency to overspend for me seems to be an everyday (weekly maybe.. haha) thing. the urge to buy things seem to grow when i see my bank account rising every month. shit. i guess that is really not a good habit to have… but wait, i just bought myself a birthday gift today, and i bought myself a promotion gift last month… OUCH!! but then again, whatever, cos its my money anyway. and sometimes i feel better when im buy things that i like for myself, rather than other pple buying things that i do not like for me, which is why i really do not like pple buying things for me. (maybe an exception for birthdays, wahahahaha)

most pple think that making wishes during birthdays may make them more achievable, but i dun remember any wish that i made that came true. (seriously, i dun remember any other significant one except the one i will mention later…) maybe its just to give yourselves hope of achieving them, or just some wishful thinking on one’s part. (which i think this relates to me better) i did remember those wishes i made to myself last year, which is 1) to find a job; 2) to be happy. i think 1) is perhaps the only realisable wish that i made. but then again, this got me motivated in my work. cos i waited and prepared sooooo damn long for me to get into that company, and even after hearing things like ‘i want to quit!’ starting from my 2nd week in my job from so many pple around me till now, i was determined to stay. this was even though i got totally thrashed by my manager when i totally screwed up one of my assignments in december and working till 2 am for 2/3 of the week for 6 weeks in a row! (maybe this was nothing, as compared some others in another team) well, different kinds of pain i supposed, so quit whining!

i remembered one thing that got me laughing recently, that is when someone asked me suddenly, ‘why u so social?’ wahahaha! cos from what they observe, i seem to able to be okay and comfy with any new clique which i joined… and come to think about it, maybe i am quite sociable afterall. (wahahaha maybe this is one thing which i did want to change!) i did remember that i was quite anti-social last time. i couldn’t just talk to anyone new, and i couldn’t communicate my thoughts at all. i used to think that no one will understand me and no one would really treat me as a good friend, but maybe my army life did change my perspective towards other pple. simply becos i interacted with pple from all walks of life, in a bad sense.

and lastly, thank you whoever who remembered and wished me through phonecall, sms, msn or facebook. for those who remembered and forgot to wished me, thanks also. and for those who dun remembered, well.. its ok, i understand la… and it will be too late to wish me after today. haha

happy birthday to me.

nothing to write~~

haiz i ran out of inspiration or rants in my life le.. shitz… think i wont be updating with personal thoughts or feelings. and most prob i will update only crappy crapz and random shitz… haha..

maybe when the right time comes again, i can have more things to write about… for now i shall target my rants towards my frens… haha

life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away~~

a story which i read from an email spam sent by a fren…
———————————————–
A young man learnt what’s most important in life from the guy next door.

It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College, girls, career, and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across
the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to spend
with his wife and son. He was working on his future, and nothing could stop him.

Over the phone, his mother told him, “Mr. Belser died last night. The funeral is Wednesday.” Memories flashed through his mind like an old
newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days.

“Jack, did you hear me?”
“Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It’s been so long since I thought of him. I’m sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago,” Jack said.

“Well, he didn’t forget you. Every time I saw him he’d ask how you were doing. He’d reminisce about the many days you spent over ‘his side of
the fence’ as he put it,” Mom told him.

“I loved that old house he lived in,” Jack said.
“You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man’s influence in your life,” she said.

“He’s the one who taught me carpentry,” he said. “I wouldn’t be in this business if it weren’t for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things
he thought were important… Mom, I’ll be there for the funeral,” Jack said.

As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mr. Belser’s funeral was small and uneventful. He had no
children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away.

The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time. Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time. The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture…. Jack stopped suddenly.

“What’s wrong, Jack?” his Mom asked. “The box is gone,” he said. “What box?” Mom asked. “There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he’d ever tell me was ‘the thing I value most,'” Jack said.

It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it.

“Now I’ll never know what was so valuable to him,” Jack said. “I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom.”

It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died. Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. “Signature required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days,” the note read.

Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention. “Mr. Harold Belser” it read. Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope. Jack’s hands shook as he read the note inside. “Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett. It’s the thing I valued most in my life.” A small key was taped to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch. Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover. Inside he found these words engraved: “Jack, Thanks for your time! Harold Belser.”

“The thing he valued most…was…my time.” Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the
next two days. “Why?” Janet, his assistant asked. “I need some time to spend with my son,” he said. “Oh, by the way, Janet…thanks for your time!”

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away.

Think about this. You may not realize it, but it’s 100% true.

1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don’t like you.
5. Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. If not for you, someone may not be living.
8. You are special and unique.
9. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won’t get it, but if you trust God to do what’s best, and wait on His time, probably, sooner or later, you will get it or something better.
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good can still come from it.
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
12. Someone that you don’t even know exists, loves you.
13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know and you’ll both be happy.
15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great while they are still alive.

in great anticipation~~

15th may to 21st may – taipei, jiayi, alishan, sun moon lake, taichung

22nd may to 25th may – hk, hk, hk, hk, hk

one word: shiok! (dun need to type so much…)
those who wan souvenirs, order from me now… wahahahahaha~~

when sadness turns into anger~~

ya… more angry than being sad about the whole thing.

its a shitty feeling. how i wish i could indulge myself in other things.