the pathetic old self of mine
Friday, 17th September 2010
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i dun usually write these days, but something is bothering me. it seems so big, so serious, that it could own me anytime. i think im just scared, perhaps with myself. i dun usually trust pple around me, but when i do, i trusted whole-heartedly. i dun usually say out everything, perhaps becos i dun usually think b4 i speak, so i dun wan others to mis understand what i meant. but all these self beliefs are ruining me slowly. as though its a whole big trap that i made myself get into. i began to doubt even my own feelings. i began to fear things, fear changes or even fear myself. and i dunno how to get out.
i recently changed my job, and everything is a whole new fresh start for me. that is when i needed support the most. i sacrificed money for work-life balance. i sacrificed my career progression for more time with my loved ones. and im still scared that the new job might not even be what i wanted. but then there was no turning back. i had to get on, anyhow. things were tough at first but manageable. things were more smooth sailing now, but i still fear something called stagnancy. i fear myself being stagnant in what i do. and i duno what i can do, except to sit through it for now.
relationship has not been the best state so far, and i duno what i can do. its seems as though my fear of losing her is so much that i suppressed this inner fear believing that this will never happen. and i was wrong. i duno what is the best way of salvaging a relationship, becos i never salvaged one b4. what i tot was the best way turned out to be the worst. who can i blame but myself? what i believed that i was putting in my best effort was actually not my best at all. i know i could have done better in the past year, but i duno how to. perhaps i was just dumb. i duno how to please a girl, that’s for sure. all i can give was time, but time alone is not enough, based on the fact that time is short now. from the moment we were together, i believed it can be forever. i think i was simply naive.
all these events within these few months were the worst hit ever since my graduation. and i dun have time to recover at all. i tot i was able to handle stress and emotions well after 3 years of work, but i was wrong. i still cant handle my own feelings. if i am not even feeling secure with myself, i duno how i can give assurance to others. simply a failure who cant stop failing. and typing all these seems like resetting myself to the emotional, pessimistic, pathetic old self of mine which i cant even imagine myself being in such a pathetic and useless state. i really dunno what i can do, besides to have faith in her.